"Okay, so the plan is simple. We go into the gates, beat the shit out of the dragon, kill the evil wizard, then I make whoopee with the kidnapped princess. Any questions?" Sir Krunch looked up from the note card he was reading from to gaze at his army. The three men stood there, Sir Dern coughing and looking around, Sir Sire picking his nose, and Sir Timothy with his hand up.
"By the holy relicaly rambunctious heterosexual God Timothy, what is your question?"
"Okay, when you said we would kick the dragon's ass," Sir Timothy began.
"I said we would beat the shit out of it, if we try to kick its ass whilest beating shit from it we would get some on our boots, and trust me, that don't come out easily," Sir Krunch interrupted.
"Whatever, my other question is, why don't we have the sword out and ready yet?" Sir Timothy asked.
"The what now?" Sir Krunch gave Sir Timothy a confused look.
"The sword! The one with the power to kill dragons! The one I told you to go get!" Sir Timothy stared at Sir Krunch who continued to give him a confused look.
"Hmm, I believe I sent Sir Sire to fetch it from the sky temple, which is ironic considering it is an underground temple, but anyways, Sire bring me the sword!" Sir Krunch beckoned Sir Sire over. Alas, all Sir Sire did was fart reach into his pants, pulled out a freshly made turd and threw it on the ground for all to see.
"Um, well done Sire
" Sir Krunch said looking down at the turd, "Looks like we are going to have to make a side trip to the temple and ask the sky goddess for her help."
"Did someone call for me?" came a voice from above causing the men to look up into the night sky. Since everyone knows attacking a wizards castle during the day is fucking dumb. Anyways, in the sky a woman floating on a white cloud drifted down to the men.
"My lady!" Sir Krunch shouted.
"Holy shit!" came Sir Dern's shout.
"This is a little to convenient," Sir Timothy said looking at the goddess. And Sir Sire made a bunch of uncomprehend able noises.
"I know what you seek my children," the sky goddess held up an object that shined in the moonlight, "Behold! The Unrelenting Queef!"
"That is just fucking," Sir Timothy started.
"Brilliant my lady!" Sir Krunch interrupted kneeling before the goddess, "please bestow the sword to me so I might smite my enemies down and save the princess."
"I will but first you must do something," the goddess looked down at the man.
"I would gladly accept a challenge my lady!" Sir Krunch said still kneeling before her.
"You must go to the other three temples of this land and retrieve the gems inside them by defeating the mazes and monster that lurk there."
Sir Krunch blinked a few times, "excuse me?" Sir Krunch stood up and stared at the goddess.
"It is the only way I will know if you are truly worthy to wield the sword and its power," the goddess said rubbing the sword.
Sir Krunch reached in the back of his pants and pulled out a desert eagle. His comrades jumped back in surprise as he aimed it at the goddess in the kill shot position, "Bitch this aint a Zelda game!" He screamed pulling the trigger. Before the goddess could react the bullet collided with her skull, throwing her back off her cloud landing with a thud the sword clanking next to her. Sir Krunch grabbed it and held it up to the sky. "I have the power!" He screamed waving it to the sky.
"wh- The fuck was that?!?" Sir Timothy shouted in bewilderment, "Jesus Christ you just killed! You killed a fucking goddess!"
"Well I got the sword didn't I? Now we can continue the quest to save the princess!" Sir Krunch smiled, pleased with his accomplishment.
"Why the fuck do we need the sword!?! You have a fucking gun!" Sir Timothy screamed pointing at the gun in Sir Krunch's hand.
"Well obviously because I only had one bullet," Sir Krunch said in a matter-of-factly voice.
"What?! Why do you only have one bullet!" Sir Timothy screamed.
"In case things goofed and I needed a way out, which means since I no longer have a bullet we better not fuck up. Got it?"
"Fine, let's just get this over with," Sir Timothy rolled his eyes.
"Onward my brave knights to victory and death, but mostly victory for us, and death for the enemy!" shouted Krunch who started to charge and slowly fell back behind his men as they ran toward the gates. As they entered the gates into a giant open area the men heard a growl and a thunderous boom come from the shadows. "Be weary men! The dragon approaches!" The men huddled together as the steps got louder and closer until the monster could be viewed. By monster I mean a pug, with a purple collar with pink diamonds and tags shaped like a heart that read 'Dragon.'
"Oh what the fuck!" Sir Krunch said staring at the creature from behind his men, "That is the dragon?!? A fucking dog?!? I don't believe this! Sire take care of this thing!"
Sir Sire gave a sound that sort of sounded like a donkey, you know the noise that goes YEEEHAAAAW or something, well yeah that is what he did as an okay I guess and charged at the pug. In a flash the pug began to growl its mouth enlarging 4 inches of teeth and eyes blood red as Sir Sire charged at it. "Holy shit! Sir Sire come back it is a demon!" Sir Krunch yelled, but it was too late. The pug jumped on Sir Sire, and there he met a piecefull doom. LAWL That was the best fucking pun ever! Hands down. Okay so Sir Sire died and while his bones were being picked by Dragon the pug, the other knights snuck around and into the castle, quickly locking the door behind them.
"Greetings brave knights," a voice echoed in the room. The knights looked around for the source.
"Who's there?!?" Sir Krunch demanded looking around.
"Only the greatest wizard of them all! Me Abel the Wizard!" Came the voice on the other side of the room a short, chubby, balding man stepped out of the shadows wearing a blue cloak.
"What the fuck? You look like the rat dude from Harry Potter," Sir Dern said stifling a laugh.
"Fool! I am not a wizards pet! I am the greatest of all wizards!" Abel said feeling indignant
"Whatever you say Ben Franklin," Sir Dern said, causing both Sir Timothy and Krunch to laugh.
"Silence!" Abel screamed, "I challenge you to a battle and then we will see who is laughing then!"
"What is it an eating contest, cause if so then you will probably win with a belly that large," Sir Dern continued to jest.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" Abel screamed jumping up and down.
"beware guys he is summoning a spell what could it be? Earthquake! Oh no!" Sir Dern laughed, wiping the tears from his eyes, "Okay Porky Pig I am running out of ways to make fun of you so let's get this show on the road. You guys go rescue the princess I got this guy covered."
"Thank you Sir Dern, you are a brave a noble knight," Sir Krunch patted him on the back.
As both Sir Timothy and Krunch ran up the stairs Sir Dern looked over at Abel the Wizard. "Ready?" he asked.
"Indeed," Abel said with an evil laugh following as the room began to darken and lightning flashed outside the windows, Abel's laugh became more hysterical as he held up his hand, something blue in it. "Say goodbye brave knight! Lightning bolt!" Abel chucked the object at Sir Dern.
"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" Sir Dern screamed his eyes closed as he waited for his impending doom to reach him.
Sir Dern's eyes jolted open and he knelt down and picked up the object that had hit him in the chest. He held it in his hand a wrinkly blue wad of, could it be? Yes it was a wad of paper.
"The fuck is this?" Sir Dern looked up at Abel to see him holding a waste basket full of blue paper wads to throw at Sir Dern.
"Die you miserable pisshead!" Abel screamed chucking another blue ball at Sir Dern, hitting him in the face.
"Stop it." Sir Dern said.
"NO!" Abel the Wizard screamed throwing more blue balls at Sir Dern.
"I am warning you, you better stop or I swear I will shove this sword straight up your ass!" Sir Dern yelled.
"Do it I dare you!" Abel the wizard
"As you wish," Sir Dern said calmly and took a deep breath, "DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!" Sir Dern screamed charging at Abel the Wizard his sword drawn.
Abel the Wizard screamed and shat himself, and it was the last shat he ever shatted
Back to Timothy and Krunch.
"Okay so the princess should be in this room right here," Sir krunch said happily, "now remember the plan."
"You knock on the door I run to the edge of the hallway and you claim to be the last survivor of an army and you took on thousands of guards to get to her and bed with her while I get to sit out here and play with my dick," Sir Timothy quoted the plan to Sir Krunch.
"Very good now shoo so I can get to the whoopee," Sir Krunch gave Sir Timothy a wave of his hands and Sir Timothy obliged and walked to the other hall. Sir Krunch stood up straight and knocked on the door. "Oh princess, everything is all right for I have come to rescue you. I have bested thousands of soldiers bested the wizard and slain the dragon all for your love. Please princess open up both door and legs and let me come in."
As he finished the sentence the door swung open and in the frame stood
A PRINCE!?!? Who batted his eyelashes at Sir Krunch and giggled, "Sorry sailor but your princess is in another castle, but I wouldn't mind taking her spot, come here you!" and before Sir Krunch knew what was going on he was drug into the room and with the slam of the door and the sound of a latch the sounds of sodomy commenced.
"Oh my god! That is so fucking rich!" Sir Timothy screamed laughing so hard he fell to the floor rolling as Sir Dern walked up and stood over him.
"Hey Tim, what did I miss?" Sir Dern asked.
"The boss got a prince instead of a princess!" Sir Timothy continued to laugh.
"Oh, good for him I guess, I didn't know he swung that way."
"Neither did he!" Sir Timothy laughed harder at his own joke finally managing to calm down he looked up at Sir Dern still grinning, "So what happened to your sword dude?"
"Oh, that, well it kinda got stuck in Abel's large intestine and I couldn't pull it out so I just said fuck it and came up to see what all the noise was about."
Sir Timothy stared at Sir Dern for a moment before bursting into laughter again, "Best rescue mission ever!"